Undercover

[what's brewing: I hope the water is hot enough to kill any germs; I can't get sick; what if I do...]

My somewhat excessive (okay, slightly neurotic) treasure keeping ways tells you something about who I am and how I operate. Beyond being a treasure keeper, this diary of Coffeegirl Confessions has revealed that I am also:

• an introvert
  
• a coffee lover
  
• a creative copycat
  
• a reader
  
• a lover of chocolate
  
• a lover of beauty and
  
• a learner of language
  

And now I must confess another quality that is deeply engrained within me: I am a worrier. I don’t wear this one proudly; in fact, I scarcely acknowledge that I am a worrier on most occasions because I am largely an undercover worrier. Undercover not because my worry is so subtle I don’t see it, but because I tend to call worry by a different name which allows me to forget its true identity most of the time.

In the thought world that keeps my mind running in circles instead of resting in His peace, I call my worry by the name of wisdom. As I rehearse different scenarios in my mind and anxiously wonder what will happen in this situation and how I’ll respond and what I’ll do next, I convince myself that the investment of my thoughts and energy in this way is an exercise of wisdom. It’s planning ahead, anticipating possibilities, and developing responses in advance. Worry is something else entirely, I tell myself. In fact, it may even be un-wise not to think things through as I do.

And then there are moments like last Thursday night when my oh-so-wise ways bring me to an emotional breaking point and my anxiety over the unknown feels as if it could literally kill me. In tears of desperation, the veil is lifted and my eyes can see the true identity of my torturer: worry.

This verse is as familiar to you as it is to me:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?” (Matthew 6:25)

But I read this and say, yes, life is more important than food, the body more important than clothes; therefore I contemplate worry about these things: life, health, relationships. I am a planner – a self-proclaimed control freak. I long to feel in control of my circumstances; not to control what happens, but to consider and anticipate every possible outcome so that nothing can take me by surprise.

If you remember the Choose Your Own Adventure books from years ago, you can understand what I mean when I say that in times of uncertainty, I create countless combinations and sequences of events to try and gain some understanding and control over what may be coming my way. If I just knew what were going to happen, I could handle it so much better. But again, when the veil is lifted through the power of Truth, I see what is hiding beneath my well reasoned ways: worry. And not just worry, but unbelief.

On Thursday night, in the midst of tears and anxiety, I read these words on a blog that was recommended to me recently:

We are all in His divine, omnipotent care. He has numbered our days. He orders our steps. The more we believe this with evangelical faith, the more we will be set free from worrying because we will see it for what it is — unbelief. God loves us and He loves our children more than we do. What a great relief and blessing the truth always is. Wisdom doesn’t worry.

These words stripped away my well rehearsed justifications and injected truth right where it was needed.

Worry isn’t wisdom. Wisdom doesn’t worry.